Response:
It is common that young women fear the first experience of sexual intercourse. Try to forget the stories you have heard. Stories about painful intercourse are like stories about painful childbirth. Why some women would want to terrify other women with these stories is beyond my understanding. As is true for childbirth, first time intercourse is normally a wondrous joyous experience.
While it is true that some women have experinenced discomfort the first time they had sexual intercourse, this is not something you should expect for yourself. If your lover is gentle, careful and attentive, and if you love each other, you should have a joyous experience. Here are a few tips to help insure that your first experience is totally excellent.
- Try to stay as relaxed as you can! The more you tighten up the more discomfort you will experience. If you stay relaxed there is little if any discomfort at all.
- Be sure you are totally sexually aroused. To the extent you are carried away with passion, there will only be pleasure. If you are really aroused, your vagina will be very wet with natural lubrication. In the event that you are aroused and your vagina is not wet, try using a water based (e.g., Wet), or silicone based (e.g., Wet Platinum) lubricant. Use lots of it!
- If your lover is inexperienced and does not know how to touch you sexually, get a good lovers manual and read it together in preparation.
- Be sure you really want intercourse and are not just doing it for him. Be clear on the moral question. Is this morally good to do? Whether it is morally good or not has nothing to do with what the Church, your mother, or any one else thinks. Rather, be true to yourself.
- Turn the first experience into a sacred event. Create a sacred space for loving. Transform the space where you will make love by making it clean and tidy. Bring in fresh cut flowers, green plants, beautiful pieces of cloth and items that have special meaning to you, fresh fruit, perhaps a glass of wine, special romantic music, candles, essential oils, etc.
- Talk to each other about how you feel for each other, what having intercourse means for both of you, your future together, any commitment you can make to each other, etc.
- Last, but very, very important, be sure you are protected against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease. Using condoms, birth control pills, the female condom and/or other methods will help to make you feel safe so you can give yourself up to the pleasure of loving!
Question:I have read about tao penis lengthening exercises such as milking and weight-lifting. Do you know about these exercises ? If you know, please tell me the information about these exercise. Which website should I go to find these exercises ?
Response:
You can find instructions for exercises to lengthen the penis in two books by Mantak Chia.
Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy by Mantak Chia, Michael Winn
See pages 240-241. From the book: "This...should produce growth of a healthy inch during the first month or two of practice."
The Multi-Orgasmic Man : Sexual Secrets Every Man Should Know by Mantak Chia, Douglas Abrams Arava |
See pages 192-195
Before you undertake surgery or the exercises described in Chia's books, heed this warning from the Multi-Orgasmic Man. The strength of an erection is much more important than its size... To have an erection your penis needs blood and sexual energy. If the penis is made too large, without enough blood and sexual energy you will have difficulty getting hard.
You can find these books in most occult, spiritual or new age bookstores. You can also find them on our web site and order them online from Amazon.com. Just click on the links above to order either of these books.
There is another book, and an instructional video that you might consider:
How to Enlarge Your Penis. This book reviews ancient techniques to modern day methods complete with how-to photos.
Penis Enlargement and Erection Control
This video is part of a package that also includes a vacuum centric pump and an erection prolonging ring.
There are also a number of products being used for penis enlargement. Here are a couple of links for you to follow for more information:
Penis Pumps and
Dr. Joel's Pump which includes daily workout schedule and detailed instructions for maximum enlargement
Question:
"How can I determine if I am in the right relationship or not?"
Response:The very first step is for you to identify what you MUST have in your primary relationship, if that relationship is to satisfy you through and through. You must identify what the ESSENTIAL qualities are that you require in your relationship, without which that relationship could not last in the long term.
I am assuming you want a long-term relationship and that you are prepared to make a commitment to that relationship.
The difference between characteristics of a partner and qualities of a relationship is crucial to understand in order to complete this exercise properly.
Characteristics of a partner are such things as looks, height, weight, job, skills, income, family they come from, language they speak, etc. These are important, but they are not what we are trying to identify with this exercise. The essence of a characteristic is that it is something the person is, e.g., she is 115 pounds. Or it is something that they have as a function of their life history, e.g., she is from the USA. Or it is a specific way of behaving. For instance, (s)he has an open heart, is sexy, thoughtful, kind, or courageous.
Qualities of relationship are such things as:
- honest open communication from the heart
- passionate sexuality
- the relationship is the most important thing for each of us (e.g., moreimportant than money, jobs, kids, etc.)
- monogamy
The essence of qualities are that they are inseparable from the relationship itself. They are what the relationship is. They exist and come out of the relationship as an expression of how the two of you relate to and with each other.
Consider this comparison for further clarification.
Characteristic of a partner: "She has an open heart."
Quality of relationship: "Honest open communication from the heart."
These probably sound like exactly the same thing. But the difference even though subtle is a difference that matters.
"She must have an open heart," places the onus of responsibility onto your partner. It is like a shopping list and you can compare features to find the right "product". If someone has more or better features they would get chosen. But "honest open communication from the heart" is something you do together as a dynamic process, that is the part of the nature of the relationship itself. It is something you are both responsible for and that you create together. So the quality of the relationship might more accurately be stated as, "We both believe in and commit ourselves to communicating openly and honestly from our hearts, with real feelings, not just from our heads intellectually."
Here is another example:
Characteristic of a partner: "She must be erotic."
Quality of relationship: "Passionate sexuality."
"She must be erotic, implies this is something she does; that she gives to you, or you would be the recipient of, etc. It is her responsibility, her effort, her contribution. Whereas, "passionate sexuality," is something you do and create together, and thus it is part of the relationship itself. Not something one or the other, or even both, bring to the relationship, but that which comes out of the relationship itself, is part of the nature of the relationship itself. You are both equally responsible for the eroticism, passion and heat of the relationship. So this quality of relationship might be more accurately expressed as, "The relationship is very sexy, very erotic, very hot. We can't keep our hands off each other. We can't wait to be together. We fantasize about each other when we are apart."
Exercise - Qualities of Relationship
- Write out a list with enough explanation so that you, or some other reader (such as your partner) could understand what you mean, all of the important qualities of relationship that you are looking for.
- Prioritize the list. Number one is the most important of all the qualities. Number 2 next, etc.
- Have your partner do the same if they are willing. Share what each of you has written and discuss what you have discovered. In particular look for where you have a MATCH, i.e., qualities you want are on both of your lists. Also notice where you have different qualities on each of your lists. Look at each of the qualities that are different on your lists very carefully, and in complete honesty ask yourselves if you can live without these things in your relationship. Can this relationship last if we do not have a match on these essential qualities? Can this relationship thrive, grow and satisfy each of us through and through, if we do not have a match on these essential qualities?
The exercise is important. Remember, what you are identifying are the ESSENTIAL qualities of relationship, that without them you could not be truly happy or satisfied in the long run. Compromise has its place for the many OTHER qualities of relationship that are only IMPORTANT, but not essential. If these are missing you can still make the relationship work in the long run - if the essentials are present. If you compromise on the essentials, you would be sabotaging your long term happiness and would not be true to your higher self. This would be a fundamental SPIRITUAL compromise that would likely lead to grief for both you and your partner. Furthermore, if you settle for what you do NOT want, it must be obvious that you could not have what you DO want.
Once you identify the qualities of relationship that are essential for your long term satisfaction and happiness, it is not absolutely essential that you ALREADY have them with your current partner. But if one or more of them are missing it is important to enter into a dialog with your partner to see if those qualities are also important for them. Are they willing to make some effort to introduce them into the relationship? Are they also essential for them? If they agree that the qualities you have identified are also important (and preferably also essential), and/or if they are willing to work to create them, you can stay in the relationship with a reasonably high probability (but not a complete guarantee) that the relationship will work out. If they do not agree that the qualities of relationship on your list are important and they are unwilling to work to bring them into the relationship, then the chances of working through your problems and improving the relationship from its current low quality are very low, and you would be advised to begin to look for a new relationship. This would perhaps be unfortunate, but it would likely be better to get started over, than to stay with something that has little or no chance of working out. That is your decision alone and I can be of little direct help in our making it.
Question:
"I experience anxiety about whether I am an adequate lover. What can I do?"
Note: We get a number of questions about tension and anxiety related to sexuality, particularly performance anxiety of men.
Response:
The discomfort you are experiencing is quite common. We all have "stuff," i.e., our psychological baggage from earlier in our lives, especially childhood, as well as previous relationships. It is as if we have many rooms in our deep layers of consciousness and many of those rooms are dark and have locks on the doors. It can be a scary thing to open those doors and look inside. But remember, where there is light the darkness cannot reside. Even though it might feel like annihilation to open some of those doors, to do so leads to healing not death.
RELAXATION
Tension and anxiety result only a little bit from WHAT you think about, but a whole bunch from HOW YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT. You say in your message "I have trouble, sexual anxiety." What I want you to do is to NOTICE HOW YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY. For example, when you think about your sexuality, what memories do you recall? What is the content of those memories? What is the quality of those memories? If the memories are full of pain, failure, rejection, hurt, fear, confusion, etc. then you will naturally feel bad! What is the content and quality of your imagination when you think about your sexuality? Memories and imagination are quite different. MEMORIES are about the past. But you can distort what actually happened in your remembering. Don't assume that your memories are the truth of what really happened. IMAGINATION can be about the past, the present or the future. But imagination has little or nothing to do with reality. It can be pure fantasy. And your fantasy can be full of wonder or it can be full of bad things. Which it will be is up to you.
Our minds are like drunken monkeys. Things come into our minds and if we leave them there, they can powerfully influence how we feel, whether we get sick or stay healthy, whether we feel happy or sad, whether we feel motivated or depressed, etc.
But here is the really good news. You have the power over what you think about AND you have the power over how you think about what you think about. The first step is to activate your observer consciousness. Your observer consciousness is that part of your awareness that names things, identifies what things are, interprets what things mean, analyzes things, etc. So I am asking you to always try to be aware of what you have in your thoughts, both the subject of your thinking, for instance sex, and the quality of your thinking about sex. For instance you might remember a past incidence when you failed to get an erection. This memory might make you feel inadequate, activate your low self esteem, etc. Or you might imagine being with your current lover and in your imagination you can't get an erection and this makes you feel really bad. On the other hand you could remember a past incident in which sex was absolutely fabulous. Or you could imagine a situation in which sex was absolutely fabulous.
EXERCISE
Memory:
Remember a sexual situation that was not good. Notice how you feel when you remember this situation.
Remember a sexual situation that was excellent. Notice how you feel when you remember this situation.
Notice how the two memories make you feel very differently.
Imagination:
Imagine a sexual situation that is not good. Notice how you feel when you create a not good image.
Imagine a sexual situation that is excellent. Notice how you feel when you create an excellent image.
Notice how the two ways to use your imagination make you feel very differently.
ADVICE
Your imagination is the most powerful tool you have available to influence and create the quality of life that you want. Be careful, mindful, of how you are using it. Your brain and central nervous system can not tell the difference between what is real and what you vividly imagine. You are in complete control of what you choose to remember or imagine at any instant of time. But you have to make the effort to control your drunken monkey! When you replace bad memories and bad images with good ones you will start to feel better. You will relax and you will see the tension disappear. Your health will improve. You will find motivation and energy return.
This does not mean you don't have to do your psychological work, but it can help you feel better enough of the time so you will have the energy and motivation and courage to do your work. As you heal all the hurts inside, you will get to a point where you just naturally (i.e. without all the effort described above) feel good/happy most of the time, because you will be comfortable in your body, mind and spirit - you become whole again.
What you must actually do is easy to describe, but not simple to do. You keep your observer consciousness engaged all the time. I mean, you keep yourself constantly aware of what thoughts are in your head and if they are not the ones you want, you deliberately change them to the ones you do want to be there.
OF COURSE YOU CAN DO THIS. Here is a simple test. Think about pink elephants. Think about blue dolphins. Remember a scene from one of your favorite movies. Recall the scent of some perfume, or flower or essential oil that you especially like. Hear the sound of a locomotive in the distance. Hear the sound of a bell ringing. Feel a soft breeze against your skin. Feel the heat as you put your foot into a hot bath. If you can do these things, you can be aware of what you are thinking and you can obviously change what you are thinking at will.
The only other thing to be aware of is how lazy you are in allowing thoughts that you don't want to be in your head. If you just make the effort, you can change them instantly. Don't indulge yourself with crappy thoughts that make you feel bad, as if you were the victim of some invisible power over you. There is no invisible power over you. All that is required is to be determined only to allow into your head what you want to be there.
Do this for only one week and see the difference in the quality of your life. You will be shocked and amazed and delighted.
Question:
"Where can I find the video that tells me how to strip for my man?"
Response:
There are several videos that may have what you are looking for. You can buy or rent two of them online from Blue Door Video. Blue Door will send the videos to you via post.
Nina Hartley's Guide to Private Dancing
"Show your lover your best moves! Nina Hartley will teach you how in this sexy, feel-good guide to erotic dancing for your partner -- no experience or special skills required. See Nina and friends show you step-by-step their own sensual, easy stretching exercises and sexy moves."
Nina Hartley's Guide to Seduction
"Nina Hartley shares her lifetime of erotic knowledge with you in this sexy, hands-on guide to seducing your partner. See Nina show you step-by-step her own sensual dance moves and easy, effective methods of erotic foreplay for the ultimate lovemaking experience. In Nina's highly acclaimed how-to video format, you'll discover how these simple techniques can improve anyone's sex life at any stage in their relationship."
There is also an excellent strip scene by Kim Basinger in the Movie 9 1/2 Weeks that might give you some ideas. But this is very glamorous Hollywood and can be rather intimidating for someone just starting out! This film is available for purchase only, from Amazon.com. But you can almost certainly find this video for rental in your local video stores, as it was a popular Hollywood movie. The Nina Hartley videos will be much harder to locate in local video stores. Blue Door is the only rental service that I know of for renting instructional sex videos by mail.
9 1/2 Weeks - Mickey Rourke & Kim Basinger
Stylish, highly-charged erotic psychodrama in which a mysterious businessman and a beautiful art dealer meet and are swept up in a whirlwind of passion, manipulation, and obsessive sex. Not for kids, the timid, or people on a diet. This is the ''unrated'' version
Question:
My wife has a friend who would like to get her vagina tight again. I have seen some oriental oil that is supposed to shrink the vagina. Is there anything that will do this?
Response:
I don't know of any oil to shrink the vagina, but there are exercises that she can do which will accomplish what you want. Be patient, and over a period of months, the difference will be very apparent.
The PC Pump
The pelvic floor muscles surround the anus, genitals, and urethra and provide support for the reproductive organs.
The PC or pubococcygeous muscle (pronounced pew-bo-cox-e-g-us) is part of this muscle group. At first when you are practicing the PC Pump you may involuntarily contract the abdominal muscles and the anus, too, because you are unable to differentiate between the muscles. But with practice you can detect and isolate the PC muscle while allowing other muscles to stay relaxed. You will be able to isolate and move the many different muscles within your entire genital area. Keeping all the muscles surrounding your internal organs toned and tight helps prevent fallen organs. It helps relax you. Practicing it while making love it will greatly heighten sensation for both you and your partner.
Pulsing:
- Tighten and relax the PC muscle in quick, short pulsations.
- Inhale, contracting the PC muscle, keeping the rest of your body relaxed, especially your shoulders.
- Exhale and relax the PC muscle.
- Repeat for several minutes using your natural rhythm of breathing, so that you get a feeling that your muscles are fluttering. Do this 25-30 times a day and work up to 200 per day.
Pumping:
- Tighten the PC muscle as you inhale and hold for the count of six seconds.
- Exhale, relax the PC muscle and gently bear down.
- Repeat this sequence for several minutes.
- A word of caution: For obvious reasons, do not attempt this exercise in a public place with a full bladder.
The Elevator:
This exercise includes more of the muscles in the whole muscle group.
- While sitting or lying on your back, take a deep breath and pretend you are riding an elevator.
- Start in at the bottom floor with an anal contraction, move forward along the muscles, tightening up individual muscles until you reach the "top" floor.
- Then gradually relax the muscles, "floor by floor", until you return to the bottom floor.
- Repeat this trip 6 times, 3 times a day.
As with any exercise we need to develop a regular habit of giving our PC muscles a work-out. So to begin with, consciously set aside a time of day to do these: in the morning as you shower, on the bus as you travel to school or work, as part of your regular exercise routine (if you have one). Soon it will be something you'll automatically begin to do anytime. You can do these anywhere and no one can tell!
There is an excellent product available for vaginal exercise called the Kegelmaster 2000, which is a progressive resistance vaginal exerciser. You can find inforamtion about this product and order it online at our sextoy warehouse
According to the manufacturer: "The Kegel Master 2000 will give any woman the tightest vagina and best muscle control of any exerciser in the world."
Benefits:
- Cures Incontinence due to poor muscle development
- Sensual and exciting to use
- Will enable any woman to have deep vaginal orgasms that have never experienced one before
- Easier for a woman to reach an orgasm
- Make a woman's vagina more sensitive
- Increase a woman's vaginal muscle control
- Increase a woman's clitoris erection
- Increase the number and intensity of a woman's sexual orgasms
- Increase the tightening of a woman's vagina after the first use
- Designed by Alexandra
Question:
My question has to do with increasing the amount of ejaculate. Is this something that is possible ? If so, what's the best method to approach this?
Response:
Ejaculate contains sperm (the male seed) and semen (additional fluids to help transport the sperm). Since most cases of male infertility are the result of abnormal sperm count or quality, I assume that your question is about increasing the quantity and quality of your sperm. According to Michael T. Murray, N.D. in his book Male Sexual Vitality, deficient sperm production is the cause of about 90 % of cases involving low sperm count. Semen analysis is the test most widely used to estimate the fertility potential of a male. This test determines sperm concentration and quality. Actually there are a number of tests to determine sperm quality, but I will not go into details here. See your physician to obtain these tests if needed. Based upon these tests, if a cause can be determined your physician will know exactly what to do. Unfortunately the cause can usually not be identified, so we can only guess at some of the more common problems.
"The scrotal sac is supposed to keep the testes at a temperature between 94 and 96 degrees Fahrenheit. If the temperature rises above 96 degrees, sperm production is greatly inhibited or stopped completely." [Murray, p. 42] Some exercises can raise scrotal temperature, especially if you are wearing synthetic fabrics, tight shorts, or tight bikini underwear. For example, rowing in a rowing machine, simulated cross-country skiing, using a treadmill and jogging. You can reduce or avoid these exercises, and be sure to allow the testicles to hang free after exercising to allow them to recover from heat buildup. Consider switching to cotton boxer underwear, and you may also wish to periodically take cold showers or apply cold water to the scrotum.
Sperm formation is closely linked to nutrition. It is critical that men with low sperm counts have optimal nutrition. In particular be sure you are getting adequate amounts of vitamin C, vitamin E, beta carotene, selenium, and other antioxidants (for example consider pycnogenol and/or grape seed extract), zinc sulfate, vitamin B-12, as well as the amino acids arginine and carnitine. You may also add other supplements such as the adaptogen Panax ginseng. If you are over 40, you might try androstenedione in order to stimulate your brain to produce more testosterone. Increase your polyunsaturated fat intake and decrease saturated fat intake. Saturated fats are primarily found in animal products, especially butter and lard. Use olive oil or canola (grape seed) oil. Avoid margarine, shortening, coconut, palm and cottonseed oils. Consult your physician before taking supplements. Most of these items are available online from our web site. Blood testing to determine sex hormone levels is available online from Life Extension Foundation.
Livestock and poultry are fed estrogen based hormones in large quantities. Cow's milk contains substantial amounts of estrogen. "Avoidance of hormone-fed animal products and milk products is an absolute must for male sexual vitality - especially for men with low sperm counts or testosterone levels." [Murray, p. 46] If your testosterone level is low or if your estrogen level is elevated (your physician can test for these things), eat a diet rich in legumes (beans) - especially soy foods, nuts and seeds. These foods help the body eliminate the excess estrogens.
If you smoke tobacco, STOP. "Cigarette smoking is closely associated with low sperm counts, poor sperm motility, and a high frequency of abnormal sperm." [Murray, p. 49]
Question:
Hi! I'm involve in tantra for a short time but me and my girlfriend, while
practicing sex, were already near tantra but didn't know anything about it
then. Tantra did answered many of my spiritual questions. But here's one
that is in contradiction (I guess) with personnal experience and tantra. I
learned that man should keep his ejaculation away (that's OK) and that when
man emitted semence, he loses his energy, so that's the point of sex
magick...leading our own energy. This is OK too. I also read that when
the ejaculate, he feel tired and satisfy. Here's my personnal experience:
One of our practice is that my girlfriend masturbate me with oil (while I
meditate and do Pranayama) and if she focus on touching only the top of my
lingam (the "gland"), I can get very high without ejaculation. So we found
that the movement of conventionnal masturbating (i.e. all the penis up and
down) is the one that make come. So the "gland" get you very high without
making you come. So here's the point, while doing that kind of
masturbation, when I come, rather than having the normal feeling of
conventionnal orgasm (like wanting to stop because the penis is a bit
sensible), I explode in pleasure with spasm, but even if a just ejaculate,
my girlfriend can continue caressing me because the pleasure just don't
stop. I didn't not explore till now how long this could continue but it
looks like it could be very long. So my question is: even if I ejaculate,
did I lost my energy, and what mean the fact that can get pleasure long
after. It's like a neverending orgasm but I have to say when this happen,
I have some difficulties keeping my mind in focus and still meditating with
Pranayama (I'm sure I have to control this one day!).
Response:
There are three types of orgasm for men that I will mention.
The Ejaculatory Orgasm:
The first type of orgasm is the usual ejaculatory orgasm in which the prostate vibrates strongly shooting semen and/or sperm forcefully out the end of the penis. After such an orgasm a man quickly loses his erection. Because he has lost his erection he will be unable to continue with intercourse, and most men also lose interest in further sexual activity. Some men may be able to retain an erection in spite of ejaculation by continuing to move rapidly in and out, or regain another erection almost immediately. The younger and stronger the male the more likely they are to be able to accomplish this.
There is a refractory period depending upon age, health, frequency of ejaculation, etc. before a man can regain another erection and have intercourse again. This type of ejaculation lasts only a few seconds and feels extremely pleasurable. The intensity of pleasure typically diminishes as the frequency of this type of ejaculation increases. Most men feel a dramatic release of tension, and relax their entire body immediately following this type of ejaculation.
Depending upon age, health, frequency of ejaculation, etc., most men will experience a loss of energy and may feel quite tired after this type of ejaculation. If the loss of energy and feeling of tiredness is strong the man may even feel some resentment towards his partner for "draining his energy." Such resentment may not be completely rational, but is possibly quite common. It would be an interesting graduate thesis research project to find out how strong and how common such feelings are with men.
The Prostate Orgasm:
The second type of orgasm is what I will call the prostate orgasm. This is actually also an ejaculatory orgasm, but with very different properties compared with what I called the ejaculatory orgasm. One of the major differences is that the ejaculate fluid of semen and/or sperm are not shot forcefully out of the penis, but rather the ejaculate just dribbles out. The contractions of the prostate are much less powerful and the quantity of ejaculate fluid released is usually less than with the ordinary ejaculation orgasm. Also the usual tiredness immediately following the orgasm is noticeably reduced.
This type of orgasm is attainable by a male that has learned to keep the muscles in and around his genitals relaxed even during states of high sexual arousal and intercourse activity. The usual response of an untrained male is to tense up the genital muscles and bring on the ejaculation quickly and forcefully once the point of arousal reaches a certain intensity.
The Non-Ejaculatory Orgasm: The third type of orgasm is the non-ejaculatory orgasm. Males that have learned to do this have been able to separate the ejaculation and orgasmic reflexes. If you observe very closely, you will notice that the orgasm happens first followed (usually very quickly) by ejaculation in the usual ejaculation orgasm.
With training a male can learn to relax his body, including muscles in and around the penis, scrotum and anus. Males that have achieved some degree of mastery will also have learned how to relax the internal smooth muscles in the genital area. The smooth muscles are normally involuntary and learning to keep them relaxed, thus resisting the normal ejaculation reflex but allowing the orgasmic reflex, is a sophisticated sexual accomplishment.
I believe ordinary men can learn to do this, but most do not even know it is possible. The ordinary man assumes orgasm and ejaculation are the same thing! But the man who has learned to separate the two can become multi-orgasmic.
The non-ejaculatory orgasm does not result in any loss of energy. On the contrary, the energy can build indefinitely to higher and higher intensities. The result of this is that your whole body can become an orgasmic erogenous zone. It is possible to have an orgasm in your toes, for example, or for your whole body to spasm with orgasm rather than just your genitals.
There are no limits to how many of these orgasms a man can have. The intensity of each one can vary from mild to overwhelmingly intense. Furthermore a man can build up reserves of sexual energy and can learn to use that energy for other purposes, such as physical healing, spiritual awakening, and enhanced creativity. In fact, these things may just happen spontaneously as the man accumulates more and more sexual energy. Such a man will not lose interest in sexual activity, can maintain an erection almost indefinitely, and can perform sexually at almost any age!
Question:
I am a twenty-three year old african american.my problem is that ever since
i have been having sex (which is for the past five years) i have never been
able to achieve an orgasm from intercourse, i have always faked it and the
men usually think i am having one but recently i had a new lover and i faked
it with him but he knew i had not had an orgasm. please tell me how i can
achieve an orgasm from having intercourse.
i really don't know what else to try.
kerry
Response:
Many, if not most, women do not achieve orgasm from intercourse alone, but
need other stimulation, usually of the clitoris at the same time to have an
orgasm during intercourse. This is because of the basic female anatomy.
The clitoris is the most sensitive part of the female anatomy - full of
nerve endings that respond delightfully to touch, rubbing, licking. Explore
positions where you or your partner can stimulate your clitoris during
intercourse, like woman on top.
The most sensitive part of the vagina is the first 2 inches. You can try
thrusting techniques which will stimulate this portion of your vagina - like
the shallow/deep thrust technique. In this your partner performs a series of
shallow thrusts, only entering the first two inches then pulling back to the
vaginal opening, but not going all the way out. After 3, 6 or 9 shallow
thrusts (depending on your partner's stamina) he then penetrates fully all
the way into your vagina. This technique will give you more pleasure and
help your partner last longer.
Another of the reasons women don't often achieve orgasm through intercourse
alone is that they need a lot of thrusting (10 minutes or so) to fully
stimulate them while most men come to climax much sooner than that with
active thrusting. Have your partner explore some of the techniques that we mention in our article on
mastering ejaculation.
You might also be interested in renting or buying some videos that show
techniques for g-spot stimulation (that very exciting and stimulating
"goddess spot" within the vagina). Check them at our videos page.
You can also do some simple exercises: squeezing your vaginal muscles, that
will strengthen and sensitize your vagina and help to intensify your
orgasms. You can begin to practice by stopping your urine stream the next
time you are going to the bathroom. Once you realize what muscles you are
squeezing you can do this at any time of the day, anywhere.
Above all, stop faking it. You are not doing yourself or your partner any
favour. Relax, enjoy yourself. Take time to explore what works for you and
what doesn't. You have a delightful lifetime of sexual pleasure ahead of
you, but it will only be so it you allow it to be real and true.
Question:
What are your thoughts on Polyamory?
Response:
There is a tradition in Tantra that includes Polyamory, i.e., multiple sexual partners, but that is not the path that Pala and I have chosen to follow. If you go to our Tantra links page you will find links to web sites featuring more information about this sexual practice.
Our spiritual path includes monogamy, but for us this is not an issue of morality. It just seems like intelligent
behavior from the point of view of the limits of time and energy. Each day, you have only so many minutes and so much physical and emotional energy. If you spend that time and energy with someone else, your lover, your spouse,
your life partner cannot have it. If a man ejaculates with his mistress in the afternoon, he is not likely to be of any use to his wife later, and not likely to be interested either.
The subtleties of working with sexual energy with a partner take such trust, and require such an extraordinary intimate knowledge of your partner, that the possibility you could accomplish this with multiple partners seems remote. If having multiple partners is kept as a secret from each other, it is difficult to imagine doing so without lying and deceit. These are hardly the foundations for the kind of trust and openness required for mastery in Tantric or any other spiritual practice.
If both partners agree to having multiple sexual partners openly, it is highly likely that the ego factors of jealousy, self-doubt, and fear of intimacy that virtually all of us are prone to, will eventually take their toll in sabotaging the relationship and bringing it to a premature end. The picture of a loving community of freely intimate, committed and loving multiple husbands and wives is a beautiful one, but in our present culture it is very difficult to attain. For all of these reasons we believe that progressing from sexual beginner to Tantric mastery can best accomplished with a single sexual partner.
Question:
What is the difference between essential oils and fragrance oils in aromatherapy?
Response:
Essential oils are highly concentrated, volatile, aromatic essences of plants, containing hundreds of organic constituents, including hormones and vitamins. They are 75-100 times more concentrated than the oils in dried herbs. About 100 of the more than 3,000 oils are commonly used for flavors, fragrances, and therapeutics.
Some plants, like rose and jasmine, contain very little essential oil. Their important aromatic properties are extracted using a chemical solvent. The end product, known as an absolute, contains essential oil along with other plant constituents. Though not a true essential oil, absolutes are commonly used as fragrance in cosmetic products and perfumes.
Most oils are extracted by a method called steam distillation. Plant material (roots, flowers, wood, or bark) is placed on a grid, steam is applied, and the oil is separated from the water condensation. Varying amounts of oil will be produced - two tons of rose petals will produce one kilogram of essential oil, which leads to a higher price than cinnamon, where more oil can be produced from less of the plant's bark.
There are also significant differences between synthetic fragrance oils and pure botanical essential oils. Synthetics are produced by blending aromatic chemicals primarily derived from coal tar. These oils can add an approximation of the natural scent to crafts, potpourri, soap and perfume at a fraction of the cost, but the synthetic fragrances are not suitable for aromatherapy.
Essential Oils are volatile and delicate, and should be stored in a cool, dark place, with the cap replaced tightly after use. They are organic compounds sensitive to light, and may be sensitive to temperature (hot or cold), air, and time. They should always be stored in amber bottles or opaque containers (if you ever find essential oil in a clear bottle, chances are it's not a pure oil, and has been diluted).
Question:
I don't have any money. I can't take a workshop or coaching. Are there any free resources I can access to help me learn about sacred sexuality?
Response:
Yes. Here is a list of free resources that you can use to help learn about sacred sexuality.
- 4 Freedoms Tantra Sacred Sex Frequently Asked Questions
