The Married Lovers’ Hot Bed
by Al Link and Pala Copeland
Urban Male Magazine, Spring 1999
You’ve finally done it – tied the knot, taken the plunge, plighted your troth, joined in holy matrimony. You’re crazy about each other and you celebrate your newly founded state of wedded bliss by jumping into bed together every chance you get. But somewhere in this whirlwind of lust, love and happiness a tiny dissolute voice begins to whisper: “Enjoy it now, ’cause it won’t last forever. Someday the honeymoon will be over. Sooner or later sex with the same person again and again will become monotonous. It’s normal for passion to die.”
Or you may have been married for some time, perhaps for years, and your passion has cooled or disappeared, and you wonder if it can ever be rekindled. Sex once a month, or only three or four times a year, is not enough for you. You love your wife, you don’t want to have an affair, you believe in fidelity, but you don’t know what to do. Or maybe you have already had one or more affairs, but you don’t feel good about it. You may even feel some guilt or shame. But that voice in your head insists, “It can’t be like when we first met. No couple can be passionate all through life. Sex isn’t the only thing that matters. Just loving each other should be enough. Either settle for what you have, stop complaining, or find somebody new.”
Well rise up now and shout to that demon voice “Bullshit!” There aren’t many examples of long, stable relationships which are also intensely passionate, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have one. We are making it happen. We’ve been together 11 years and our sex life is even more intense now than it was at the oh-so-hot beginning. We’re not sexual super studs, just ordinary, everyday people and if we can do it, why can’t you? A good place to start is to understand that sex is not just fucking. What happens once you’re in bed depends a lot on what occurred on your way to it. Erotic love and sexual passion are not things that simply happen to people; you can learn to create them over your lifetime with the same lover. With that in mind here are three keys you can use to keep your married-lover’s bed very hot: time, attention, adventure.
It is common for passion to die in relationships not because a certain amount of time has elapsed, but because the lovers stop working at keeping the passion alive. Falling in love is something that just happens to you. That’s why it is called “falling.” You have no control over it. It is not something you do or are responsible for. This is wonderful (full of wonder) while it lasts, but by its very nature it stops happening to you. At that point you have a choice, look for someone new and experience the passion all over again, mostly based on the newness of the person and the circumstances, or learn how to create love and be responsible for keeping your desire alive throughout a lifetime of intimacy. This takes effort. Fortunately the effort is so richly rewarded with pleasure, excitement, surprise, and delight, that you will wonder why more people don’t do it!
For great loving you’ve got to make time and take time. Making time for each other means having a date, only the two of you, at least once every week. No family, no friends, no business or school buddies. No phone, no fax, no modem, no pager. You set aside several hours when the focus is on you, your mate and your relationship. It’s a time to nurture your love and stoke your passion. It may or may not include sexual activity but it should always be sensual, intimate and fun.
Once per season you take two days and two nights for a private get-away. You don’t have to leave town to do it. You can rent a room at a local hotel, trade apartments with friends, or simply lock yourself in your own home. During these two days and nights you do things that bring you closer together in every possible way – read each other sexy stories, give each other bubble baths, feed each other exotic foods, rub your backs, tell each other how absolutely fabulous you are, make love in every corner of the house – whatever works for the two of you!
Taking time means that while quickies are fun really satisfying sex lasts a lot longer than 15 minutes. Men are like fire and women are like water. Men heat up real fast and can burn out just as quick. Women need a while to reach the boiling point but once they’re at it can keep bubbling merrily away for a long time. You can help your woman start simmering by loving her from the outside in. Begin with caresses, licks, nibbles to fingers, toes, ears, neck then slowly work your way towards her warming center – back, breasts, belly, vagina.
Enjoy each moment of the journey, don’t set all your desire on “getting in there”. Smell her scent, feel the softness of her skin, listen to her quickening breath, watch the flush of passion spread across her body. Once you’re at her “honey pot” follow the same sensitive path – outside to in – outer lips, inner lips, clitoris, only when she is wet and wanting it do you slip inside.
If you’re someone who ejaculates fairly quickly after you’ve begun intercourse, learn how to prolong your erection. It will be well worth the effort for both you and your partner. There are simple exercises in breath, muscle control and body movement that you can practice together and have fun while you’re learning. You’ll find great tips in books like: The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams Arava, How to Make Love All Night by Barbara Keesling, and How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation by Helen Singer Kaplan.
Depending upon the status of your relationship, you may not feel like doing these things. But the status of your relationship will improve dramatically if you try them for a few weeks or months. Much of your original excitement will return. You will get hard at the thought of her. She will get wet at the thought of you. You’ll start to rush home after work to be with each other. You might even have to pull the car over to the side of the road somewhere for an intense roll in the hay.
Remember when you first fell in love? How your lover seemed to be the only thing on your mind? At any given point in the day you’d wonder where she was, what she was doing, what she was wearing or not, and you couldn’t wait to see her, touch her, love her up. As soon as you were together again she could tell you were excited to be near her. Today and for years to come you can make sure she knows you’re happy to be with her by following a simple suggestion from Dr. Ellen Kriedman, author of dynamic relationship books such as Light His Fire and Light Her Fire.
Her strategy? — the 10 Second Kiss>. Whenever you’ve been apart from your sweetheart for a considerable amount of time, a day at work for instance, the first thing you do when you see each other is exchange a ten second kiss. This is the very first thing you do, before you check your voice mail, walk the dog, or tune into the sports news. The kiss is full, long and close. A quick kiss tells your spouse you were once in love with them. The ten-second kiss tells her you are passionately in love with her now. It lets her know she is the most important thing to you. You are wild about her and can’t get enough of her. Her kiss tells you the same kinds of things! Plus, passionate kisses on their own without expectation of immediate sexual activity help to keep her boiling point near the surface so that when you are ready for a hot and heavy session she will be too.
One of the biggest complaints women make about men is that all too often their men want sex now without any build-up or attention beforehand. Remember water and fire? So pay attention to her every day. It doesn’t have to be extravagant attention like bouquets of flowers, gifts of jewelry or dinner at The Ritz. Simple things like a phone call to say “I love you”, a note in her lingerie drawer telling her she’s the sexiest woman you know, rubbing her shoulders when she’s tired, a single rose on her pillow will work wonders on her heart. A woman with an open heart is much more inclined to open her legs.
Especially pay attention when you are making love. Notice what heats her up and what cools her down. Which spots on her body are keys to her treasure chest? How does she like to be touched – firmly, lightly, quickly, slowly? When you find a particular touch or action that thrills her, keep doing it. Don’t change until she lets you know, by sounds, words, movements, that she wants a change. A great lover gives her satisfaction through and through. He makes the effort to learn the knowledge and skill that are the language of love.
Making love can be an adventure that starts with a jolt of eye contact when you first meet and lasts until your eyes close in death. Be an explorer in the great world of your sexual life. Map the terrain of your bodies, chart the depth of your passion, scale the heights of your intimate connection. Each time you come together meet with fresh eyes and new excitement for the quest because no matter how well you feel you know yourself and your partner there is always something more to discover.
Newness, freshness and surprise are to be found in exploring the depths of your own and your lover’s spiritual being. Sex is one way to do this. You do not need to find a new lover, you only need to find new knowledge and skill about loving, a task much more suited to a lover you are completely comfortable and safe with. The highest sexual experiences are also spiritual experiences. A spiritual sexual experience is a very high energy experience. It is unlikely that you would attain these high-energy states if you are constantly changing partners. This is because you must learn to relax, trust, let go, surrender, and risk being vulnerable in order to open yourself to this exquisite energy.
What we are talking about is beyond pleasure; it is spiritual sexual ecstasy. Moving from one lover to another is more about control, power, conquest, proving something and making your ego feel good. It tends to leave you feeling lonely and isolated and deprived of true love and deep intimacy. You will feel like something is missing, that there must be something more; and there is! Why settle for more quantity with many partners when the real quality in loving is to be found in spiritual sex with a committed relationship over a lifetime of loving?
We all change over time, what we are today may well be different tomorrow. Don’t ever make the mistake of taking your partner for granted! Instead, when you look at your mate, look for the best in her, seek her highest, greatest most glorious aspects, especially when you are about to make love. Look for the Goddess behind her eyes.
Be daring. Undress for each other. Masturbate for each other. What better way to show your partner how you like to be touched and for you to see what brings her to the edge of pleasure and beyond. Self-pleasuring for your lover is an extraordinary way to build trust and it’s very exciting!
Be open to discovering new aspects of your sexuality. Try different positions – woman on top, side to side, head to toe, standing, sitting, rear entry. Stay inside her as you shift from position to position, making a graceful dance with your flowing bodies. Experiment with loving in places you normally mightn’t – on the table, in the shower, on your apartment balcony. Share your fantasies and try some of them. Obviously the fantasies you share would be ones involving each other, not some other person. Always in your experimentation be sure that you both feel safe and that you do not have to do anything you really don’t want to.
Approach lovemaking as an art. Make it a hobby you share! Take courses – erotic massage, tantra, relationship intimacy. Read books — ancient, beautifully illustrated eastern texts, modern how-to manuals, erotic fiction. Watch videos – old Hollywood romances, extended lovemaking techniques, acupressure for lovers. Practice those things you learn about that appeal to you both. Be lighthearted as you do it. Laugh for the joy of having a partner to share your sexual self with. Greatness in any endeavor takes effort, practice, discipline and continuous learning. Sexuality is not any different.
Consider the concept that sex is not just the pleasure of body friction, but is primarily an energy exchange. When orgasm changes from something that is strictly genital into something you experience with your whole body; when you can experience orgasm through your toes or your shoulders as well as through your penis; when you are being wracked with orgasmic waves and can’t tell whose orgasm it is, yours or your partner’s, then you know that sex is not going to become boring anytime soon! This is sexual loving that has reached a high level of mastery. It requires a combination of time, attention and adventure that you and your spouse practice continuously throughout a life-long marriage.
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